u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Randomize
