I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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