Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
