clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
