ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize