You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
