yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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