Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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