I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
