even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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