just come out here and I will go home with you...
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
