the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize