My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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