I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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