Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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