Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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