If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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