It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
