my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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