just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
