I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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