i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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