I can text with my tongue
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
