If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
