I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
