so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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