why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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