i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You're like the curious george of whores
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
