he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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