she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
