I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
