I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Your mouth is God's brothel.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Randomize
