I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
