my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
