I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
