puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize