it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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