You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
