Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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