It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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