I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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