Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
