3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
