Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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