3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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