Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
im having a threesome with these popsicles
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
