I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
