we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
