i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
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