i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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