He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
