I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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