I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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