1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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