Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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