I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
