Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
