Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
