so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
