I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
