ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
