dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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