A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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