I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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