I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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