Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
