I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Randomize