dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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