i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
