You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
