And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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