I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
