I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
