It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
