Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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