And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
